I was an anorexic boy. This is my story.
1998 - 1999
1998 - 1999
I don’t talk about it.
I don’t talk.
I don’t.
Talk.
I tried to starve myself between the ages of 12 and 13. I was anorexic.
The past tense isn’t absolutely true, as my weight still drops if I’m stressed or depressed. A coping mechanism.
I understand anorexia as a violent coming to life of body dysmorphia[1] - self-reinforcing habits built on anxiety and self-loathing.
The roots linger on.
My optical nerve slightly off, what I’m looking at is not seen. Body dysmorphia casts a blanket impression of body shape from a fixation on areas of perceived imperfection.
Parasitic.
Your proportions are bloated with insecurities – the body refracted through the mind.
Pre-shot (1997)
Me in the final year of primary school, aged 10, before I became anorexic.
1999 - Part One
At a time when my compulsions were getting worse, a girl in my school was recovering from anorexia. My story is entwined with hers, beginning with her selfless efforts to help.
I was milling around the corridor before a lesson, trying to keep moving, when she approached me. Although I can’t remember what she said, she later put a letter in my hand and asked me to read it.
She had called me out, my fiction that nobody could tell was falling apart.
Dear Alexander,
Before you screw this letter up, please listen to what I have to say! I’m really sorry if I embarrassed you yesterday. I didn’t mean to. You probably thought I was weird. You see, this time last year I was in hospital with a tube up my nose!
Yep. I had, well actually I’ve still kind of got, an illness called Anorexia. It all started because I thought I was fat, so I stopped eating. I lost more and more weight until my Mum took me to the doctors. I got a ‘buzz’ though each time I stepped on the scales and saw I’d lost more weight.
Anyway in March I went into hospital… and was there for 2 months. It was pretty scary coz I was positive that I wouldn’t need to go there. Because I was at a low weight (a dangerous one they said – but I didn’t believe them) I needed to put weight back on. I wouldn’t eat any food so the only way was to force feed me.
You see by not eating and losing weight I missed nearly a whole year of school. I was in this place called the Yorkshire Centre for Eating Disorders for about 8 months! I missed going out with my friends, going on holiday, being with my family and loads of other stuff, just because of a crap illness called Anorexia.
I was terrified of eating and thought that I needed to burn off every single calorie. I’m eating pretty normally now and even having 2 snacks. Sometimes I think it’s a lot. Despite that I’m having a bit of trouble keeping my weight on.
It’s not very nice not being able to eat the nice things your friends do, being tired all the time, being cold all the time and being forced by yourself to do stuff that you really don’t want to do. I’ve been there, I know what thoughts go on in your head. Being Anorexic is horrible – there aren’t any good things about it and I’d hate to see anyone go through what I did. I know at first I didn’t want to get better, and if you’re like I was you probably hate me for writing to you.
The place in Leeds really helps, so please, please tell someone how you’re feeling and don’t feel embarrassed. If you want you can talk or write to me.
Thanks for reading, Alex. Soz it’s a bit long.
Sarah
Pre-shot (1998)
Me on holiday before I became anorexic.
1999 - Part Two
My reaction to Sarah’s letter was predictable. I felt a smoldering panic throughout my body for being found out. I ignored her help.
I told myself that anorexia was something that happened to her. Boys didn’t get eating disorders.
Dear Alex,
I completely understand that part of you hates me for helping you and just wants me to leave you alone. I can’t though, because I really want to help you get rid of this – it’s just not worth it.
You see Janette, don’t you? I used to as well. She’s quite nice don’t you think, but she couldn’t help me – I wouldn’t let her. I want to help you Alex, as much as I can, so please give me a chance.
I’ve had a good idea actually. What lunch are you usually on? I’m on 3rd lunch every day, except Wednesday when I’m on 1st lunch. I was thinking that if I sat with you, you could see what I eat and maybe get the courage to have a couple more bites of your sandwich.
You could even get upset if you start feeling guilty, I’d understand. It’s a scary thought I know, but I think it’d be good if we could give it a go. You could still be with your mates, but I bet you’re quiet at lunch anyway – I was!
I’d sit next you with my 2 best friends and nobody would have to know that I was helping you. Tell me what you, Alexander Dolphin, want NOT what the Anorexic Alexander wants.
Keep plodding on Alex, I’m here for you whenever you need me!
Love Sarah xx
Mid-shot (1999)
Me as I was eliminating more food from my diet, aged 12.
1999 - Part Three
While I didn’t hate Sarah for trying to help me, I was petrified of what it meant for my efforts to restrict food intake.
How could I accept her offer to sit near me at lunch when I wasn’t eating anything at the time?
It wasn’t until I received the following letter and diary extracts that I began to realise where anorexia was taking me.
Dear Alex,
I thought I’d show you what I looked like last year. The photo was taken 2 days before I had to go into hospital. I’ve also given you some stuff I wrote while I was in the Eating Disorder Unit. They’re a bit like pages out of a diary.
The nurses there encouraged us to write things down. It helps to understand what’s going on in your head. I found it helped a bit, but it took time.
I don’t want to interfere too much with your friends, but we need to talk more. It’d be good if I could even talk to you at home. What do you think?
You really can tell me anything, Alex. I promise I won’t have a go at you or tell anyone else – honest. You probably think I’m a pain but I want to be your friend and help you overcome this. It’s hard work, some days I still have problems, but I’m sure we can beat this together!
Speak to me soon, okay?
Lots of luv,
Sarah xxx
Sarah’s Hospital diary (1)
23rd July 1998, Thursday
I’m so confused. I want to get better, but then again I don’t. There’s a part of me that can’t be bothered. Actually, writing this is a big effort. Deep down I know that I need to confront my fears, and that means writing thoughts down and talking with nurses. However, there is a part of me – about 50% really, that wants to stay still. For example, I feel as though I don’t want to be able to eat chocolate, especially scary things. When I think about it, if I’m able to eat chocolate, I won’t have a problem, which should be what I want, but it isn’t. I hate to admit it but I think I just want the attention. I really do not want to have a ‘fuse’ as part of me, that has ruled my actions for so long, will be defeated. But I know that I must, because it’s the right thing to do. I’m trying hard to focus on myself, but it’s hard when… need to be comforted. I would rather help them than help myself, to be honest. My thought time is spent on them, but I know it should be spent on me. It feels so selfish because I don’t think I’m worthy.
Positive Thoughts/Actions:
- Didn’t walk for whole hr out
- Allowed myself to sleep
Negative thoughts/actions:
- Was influenced by peers choice of tea desert
- Looked at fat in Fuse
Sarah’s Hospital diary (2)
31st July 1998, Friday
This is such a big effort for me, as writing down seems pointless.
Why don’t I like writing things down?
Why don’t I like writing things down?
- Time consuming
- Scared I’ll banish anorexic thoughts too soon*
- I’m not willing to help myself*
- I have to confront my feelings
* This shows fear/unwillingness of getting better
Good points of being ill:
- I’m thin, like I wanted
- I get lots of attention
- Shows I’m determined
- Responsibilities taken away
Bad points of being ill:
- Away from home
- Unable to do sport
- Skin is very dry
- Hair’s thin
- Missing out with mates
- Education suffers
- Stay here long time
- Won’t be able to do things mates do
Mid-shot (1999)
Me in a helmet, clearly. The anorexia grew worse after this point.
1999 - Part Four
I recognised myself in Sarah’s diary entries. She exposed my thoughts without them being eclipsed by personal torments. By which I mean telling myself that I deserved whatever pain was inflicted (which nobody does).
I couldn’t deny that I was ill. People with eating disorders are not deluded about what is happening, only myopic as to the effects.
I replied because I was reaching a point where I had to face up to my problem, at least. The deceptions were faltering and medical intervention was intensifying.
Dear Sarah
I would like to thank you so much for your help during the illness that I have.
It started the same way as it did with you, because I thought I was fat and I could make myself thin by not eating. It was fine for a bit, but I started to lose a lot of weight. My mum and dad noticed this and they took me to the doctors.
They told me that I have anorexia, which was the worst thing that anyone could have told me but it is true. They told me that I was under weight, not enough to go into hospital but if I did not put weight on then I would have to be put in, which scared me. Many times I have told myself that I will have to get better. It is hard because the only way to get better is by eating and putting on weight.
During the illness I have found myself doing many thing that I later regret.
- Lying to my mum and dad*
* I have found myself lying to my mum and dad about going out to somebody’s house and eating there. Really I have not been eating anything.
- Scared
- Lonely*
* I feel as though my friends are deserting in my biggest time of need. I have been left out of games and also lied to about what they are doing.
- Unhappy
- Confused
- Anxious about every meal
- Upset
- Violent
- Mood swings
I have read all of the information that you have very kindly supplied me with. I cannot thank you enough for the help and support you are giving me.
I have decided to start a diary of my thoughts and feelings to help me try and confront my fears… I am finding it hard to cure myself of this illness. It is very hard and I know that I will have to come out of it and make myself well again. I am very frightened of being put in hospital, but l am really scared of being fat. Please, please help me!
Thanks for your help and support,
Alexander Dolphin
My diary (1)
30th April 1999, Friday
I have decided to write a journal of the illness that I have, called anorexia. A couple of months ago, I was fine and I thought I would never even think about becoming anorexic. [Now] I have found myself eating hardly enough to keep myself alive.
I have found myself lying to my mum and dad about eating my food - I did think that they would not find out and that I could keep on doing it. But they have found out, so I may not be able to do it again.
I do get confused. I want to get better and be happy again, but I really do not want to be fat again. That means that I do not want to be better, because that means I will have to put on weight.
I know that I have to if I do not want to be put in hospital.
My diary (2)
6th May 1999, Thursday
Today I went back to the hospital to get weighed. I was very nervous that they would keep me in because in the last week I have eaten nothing (well that’s what you might as well have said).
The last time we went to the hospital my weight was 38.00 kg and this time it was 36.50 kg. The doctor said that I had not done any physical damage but my body was burning up fat which I cannot afford to lose.
He has given me a weight that I cannot drop below or I will be taken into hospital, which is 36.00 kg, only 0.5 kg below my current weight!
Last night I found a picture of myself in Florida and I saw myself in the mirror. I did not recognise who I was looking at. I look so thin compared to my picture and I decided that I would not let this illness beat me.
I have decided that I will fight it and regain the trust, the happiness and my health by the time I go to America. I am still frightened and scared of putting on weight because:
Gain weight = become fat!
But I know that I will have to do it.
What I want to regain from anorexia:
- Trust
- Happiness
- Health
- Exercise
- My choice of food
I know that people can tell that I have anorexia because I have heard people whispering and everybody is always asking if I’m alright. This makes me feel depressed and bit angry with myself for starving myself and not listening to people.
Mid-shot (1999)
Me on a family holiday. I'm holding a tissue in my hand, as I used to spit into it, believing I could get rid of more calories that way.
1999 - Part Five
Dear Alex,
Thank you so much for writing back to me, I think that you’re very brave actually. I understand that even writing that letter was maybe a challenge for you. During my illness, I experienced each emotion that you mentioned in your letter. I even called my mum a bitch and very nearly hit her because she wouldn’t let me hoover up my bedroom – it didn’t need it, I just wanted to be ‘on the go’. Luckily I can look back now and I understand why she wouldn’t let me do it.
I think it’s a brilliant idea to keep a diary of your thoughts and feelings. When I’m having a bad day, I read through the diary I kept while I was in hospital. It helps me, as I can see how unhappy I was, while I was at a low weight.
You said that you feel lonely. I felt exactly the same and I felt even worse while I was in hospital. My friends would visit and tell me what they’d been doing. I promise you that each one of your friends still care about you, but while you’re at such a low weight they’re scared. When they see that you don’t look so fragile and eating lunch with them and having a laugh, you’ll soon see that your friends haven’t left you.
The nurses would often say to me that if I wanted to be treated like normal then I had to act normally too. Also, they would often use the phrase ‘ got no evidence to prove that’. By this they mean that ‘what proof did I have that if I ate all of my breakfast / lunch / tea, I would get fat?’ I had no proof so I couldn’t say that I would. This is a very hard thing to accept. In fact I still have difficulty now. Despite knowing that I can eat chips, chocolate, cakes and custard and not get fat, I’m still very reluctant to eat them.
I’m going over to [the Eating Disorder Unit] tonight. My mum said that if my weight’s not gone up a bit more, she won’t let me go to keep fit with her anymore. I hope I’ve put it back on, or else I might get stuck on that awful circle:
I’m determined to help you get better Alex, in any way I possibly can. Let me know how you’d like to hear from me. If you don’t want me to approach you in school, I’ll understand, and if you want me to go round to your house for a chat – it’d be more private – that’s fine too. Even if you feel more comfortable writing, that’s okay by me.
Well, must go. Remember all those great things that weight gain brings – I’m glad I did it.Keeping fighting it!!!
Sarah x
Mid-shot (1999)
Me on my 13th birthday.
1999 - Part Six
Dear Sarah,
On Thursday, as you know, I went back to the hospital for them to check how I was doing. The last time I went they took lots of samples of blood etc. and they also measured my weight, which was 38 kilos. That was two weeks ago. This time when they measured my weight it was 36.5 kilos. I had lost 1.5 kilos in weight.
The doctor told me… that my weight was below what it should be for my height. He did not want me doing a lot of exercise and, if I drop below 36 kilos, I am in hospital with a tube up my nose.
So I have until this FRIDAY to put on some weight, or else I’m in and away from my family and friends. I am frightened and scared of putting on weight [and becoming fat], but I know that I have to if I want to stay out of hospital.
I have had to stop going out on my bike every night after school (which is what I do for exercise), because I cannot risk losing more weight. I have also started to eat more, even though I find it hard sometimes and also a bit guilty afterwards and just want to burn it off.
My mum and dad are supporting me (even though sometimes I think they’re not). They are trying to get me to eat food high in calories but I can’t. Could you tell me what you eat?
…I am finding it hard [to beat it] because my mum and dad are changing the usual meals that we have for me. I find it difficult to eat because I know that it could have extra CALORIES.
I am sorry if I am being a pain and unloading my problems onto you, but I find that you can really help me and that I can trust you.
Please could you tell me what you had to eat during your time like this before Friday please?
Alexander
1999 - Final Part
I did try to eat in the run up to weighing-in day, albeit non-fattening foods. Apple on dry toast - food that induced the least amount of anxiety.
I returned to the hospital only to discover that I had fallen below the 36kg ultimatum. I was looking down the barrel of a feeding tube.
I convinced the doctor that I had tried to gain weight, earning me reprieve for another week. He told my mum that ideally I should be carried to the car, to avoid burning off any more calories. I was distraught with myself as tears scorched my face.
My mum, out of sheer exhaustion, asked me what I was crying about. After all, I had taken myself to that point.
Yet it’s never quite as simple as that. My agency, my ability to determine my life had been captured by the disorder - motives, ambition and actions, all intoxicated by this destructive force.
I was able to dredge courage out of despair due to the help offered by Sarah. Many aren’t so lucky, especially the boys who never knew that eating disorders could grip the male form. People are too often left alone to face the arsenal that their minds have trained at their own bodies.
Sarah came without my request and made me face the truth of her experience. I’d like to thank her so much for letting me share her letters, which were integral to my recovery.
I owe her a timeless debt.
You can find information about support services for eating disorders from the following websites:
In recovery aged 13 (August 1999)
I made it on the holiday to America - my goal. This photo was taken on that trip, while I snuba dived along the coral reef with my dad.
I miss him immensely everyday. Looking back now, this is one of the happiest moments in my life that I was able to share with my dad.